George Carlin Quotes
George Carlin Quotes About Life, George Carlin Quotes Religion, George Carlin Quotes Politics, George Carlin Quotes Funny, George Carlin Sayings, George Carlin Words Short
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George Carlin Sayings
George Carlin is well known for his profoundly funny and provocative quotes and one-liners. His stand up routines have covered everything from politics and religion to relationships and the world around us. And he always had a knack for packaging big ideas into small digestible pieces of humor. Below are the absolute best quotes we could find from this legendary comedian’s career.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin Sayings About Life
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin Words Funny
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.